sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i've created a new STD.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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