I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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