Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
