I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize