you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
