Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
