Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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