then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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