I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
