I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
