Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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