Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
