I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
How naked do you want me to be?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize