Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
