I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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