Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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