I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
