Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
