Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
