This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
