Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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