Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
