Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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