I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
