you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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