the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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