im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
