he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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