I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
