There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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