piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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