my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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