2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
