Four minutes until I can fart!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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