You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
