So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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