I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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