I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
