I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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