dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
