my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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