Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
