Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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