i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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