Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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