remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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