So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
