omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
