Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize