the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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