He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
