Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
