well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
