The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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