It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
