I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
