when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
