I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize