if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
