Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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