It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
