Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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