We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
