i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize