Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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