why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
