Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
