I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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